Ash and Evie in Fifteen Minutes
by twitchy witch
Summary: Curious about my freakishly long story, but don't want to slog through 250,000  words to catch up?  Problem solved!  Get the gist here!
1. The Scar

_I recently reread everything I've written here. Holy cow. So I started writing a little snarky summary of the major plot points so I could keep track of things. Then I thought it was silly enough to post here as a parody and critique of my own stories. I'm gearing up to start the next major storyarc of the fic soon, but in the meantime, enjoy this little snack!  
_

**Ash and Evie in Fifteen Minutes**_  
For those who don't feel like surfing through the entire series._  
(With love to the incomparably funny Cliolinda Jones, who came up with the "Movies in 15 Mintues" concept.)

**The Scar **

ADULT EVIE: I'm a bitchy college professor who bears no resemblance at all to Twitchy, who also happens to be a bitchy college professor. Because, _hello_, I teach ley lines instead of biology and I have a scar on my face instead of adult acne.

TWITCHY: The short hair and the demon fetish and the mid-thirties appearance? Totally a coincidence. Besides, if Evie was a Mary Sue, she'd have uber-special secret powers! And she'd be a ninja! (P.S. I do not have acne. Much.)

DEREK: Um...I don't care?

EVIE: Why are you here again? You want to hear the story about the creepy scar on my cheek?

DEREK: Um, no, actually I asked about demon summoning.

EVIE: Sit down and keep your fool mouth shut.

**Somewhere in Colorado, ****Pre-Turn**

A group of witch teens are hanging around a campfire. They are drawn together for one reason: they're witches in a human world that doesn't know witches really exist. This is far more irritating if you're still in high school and could spell the shit out of other teens who annoy you, but can't blow your cover.

16-YEAR-OLD EVIE: I'm the studious social misfit. I'm not like 16-year-old Twitchy at all. No sir.

16-YEAR-OLD TWITCHY: The long hair and the tendency to wear gauzy skirts and write shitty poetry? Totally a coincidence.

RED: I'm the jock. I am named after a character in literature that Twitchy finds irritating.

TOBY: I'm the brimstonehead. I am named for a kid who made fun of Twitchy in grade school.

JUDY: I'm the rival for Ash's affections. I am named after a TV character that Twitchy finds annoying.

GREG: I'm the random other dude, and I'm not named for anyone. In fact, one of Twitchy's closest college friends is named Greg. Clearly I'll get off easy in this story.

ASH: I'm the demon antihero. I bear no resemblance to Twitchy's darling husband, despite being tall, slender, blond, snarky, super intelligent and overall a sexy, sexy geek.

TWITCHY'S HUSBAND: Wait, what? Twitchy, that's...pretty creepy.

ASH: But honest, I'm not like all the other demons. I'm _nice_. Let me teach you how to really annoy your parents!

RED: *swoon*

ASH: I'll teach you to make better brimstone!

TOBY: *swoon*

ASH: ...and how to sex up girls, demon style!

GREG and JUDY: *swoon*

ASH: ...and some sweet ley line skills!

EVIE: I do not swoon for demons.

ASH: Did I mention_ you're_ my favorite?

EVIE: *reluctant swoon*

JUDY: *is jealous*

GREG: *is jealous of Judy's jealous*

**Later That Summer: **

ASH: So! Who wants to summon a potentially lethal nearly omnipotent being to your plane? Volunteers?

KIDS: Me! Me!

ASH: I should mention that there's a tattoo involved. And you'll owe a demon an unspecified favor, which I'm sure you'll agree is probably totally and completely harmless.

JUDY: Me! Me...? *looks around* What, just me?

ASH: *whispers secret codename, brands Judy's arm with magical mark*

EVIE: Aren't any of you at all creeped out by this?

EVEYRONE ELSE: Don't spoil it!

**Next Week: The Summoning**

ADULT EVIE: Kids, don't try this at home unless you are an utter, utter moron.

KIDS: Look at us and our bad selves!

ASH: Yes, look at you and your bad selves! I _love_ you guys. Let me out of this circle and bring to me the mysterious items I asked you all to bring when you came to meet with me privately before hand and didn't tell Evie!

KIDS: Woohoo!

EVIE: Um, guys...? Are you sure about this? And by the way, what's he talking about?

ASH: What, you _forgot?_

EVIE: Forgot _what_?

ASH: Girl, if you had objections you should have stayed home, it's a little late now that I'm here!

EVIE: Way to make me look like a bimbo, Ash.

JUDY: You didn't need his help for that, bright eyes. She's just jealous of our deep and meaningful relationship, Ash. I'm sure speaking hastily out of irritation, and thus altering the bargain, wasn't at all what you had in mind all along.

ASH: Of course not. So? Y'all OK with this?

KIDS: Yes!

EVIE: We are so very, very screwed.

_(Ash comes out of the circle and unsurprisingly, is evil. What a shock.)_

JUDY: But...but...

ASH: _Duh._

KIDS: *scatter*

JUDY: *is kidnapped*

TOBY: *is kidnapped*

RED: *is kidnapped*

GREG: *is caught but not yet dragged off*

EVIE: *seals herself in Ash's own summoning circle*_ ItoldyousoItoldyouso!_

ASH: Heh, that's actually pretty clever! You go, girl.

EVIE: Thanks. Um. Let me go?

ASH: HAHAHAHA. Let me in?

EVIE: HAHAHAHA. No.

ASH: I'll give you a cookie?

EVIE: No.

ASH: I'll only enslave and humiliate you a little bit?

EVIE: Not a chance.

ASH: I'll beat up your friend, here.

EVIE: Knock yourself out.

GREG: Bitch. *is tortured*

ASH: Damn, that usually works. How about I'll imitate your loved ones and make you feel really, really bad?

EVIE: Nope. Does that usually work?

ASH: No, but it's fun. *poofs with Greg*

EVIE: Still not coming out.

**Hours Later**

EVIE: Still not coming out. *yawn* Or falling asleep, either.

EVIE'S DAD: There you are! You are in a heap of trouble, young lady.

EVIE: You have no idea.

EVIE'S DAD: Come out now.

EVIE: No.

EVIE'S DAD: Come out or you're grounded for life, Evelyn!

EVIE: My name's not Evelyn, you demon asshole.

ASH DISGUISED AS EVIE'S DAD: Damn it, girl, you're actually making me _work_. All right, then, didn't want to do this...

_(ASH powers up and zaps the circle. EVIE dips into her mighty powers of foreshadowing and zaps him back. This does not end well for either of them.)_

ASH: Fucking OW. *heals himself*

EVIE: Ow. Ow ow ow. *does not heal herself*

ASH: Holy shit. I have totally found myself a new familiar. *glee*

EVIE: Ow!

ASH: Except your aura's conveniently damaged so I can't kidnap you right now.

EVIE: Ow?

ASH: So instead I'm going to cuddle you in a way that is not inappropriate at all given that you're sixteen and I'm several thousand years old. I'll find you again. Have a kiss, demon style. *slashes her cheek, vanishes with the sunrise*

EVIE: Fucking OW. *faints*

**Modern day: **

ADULT EVIE: So that's why I have a scar, a limp, PTSD, the temper of a grumpy hyena, am borderline alcoholic and have absolutely no sex drive.

DEREK: TMI, Doctor.

EVIE: Moral of the story: demons are bad. Now get lost.

DEREK: Did I mention Red's my grandfather? And I'm here to guilt trip you like hell into getting him back? I'll summon one myself if you won't help. Now that you've told me exactly how to do it and all.

EVIE: Fuck. *headdesk*

**Next Episode: Ashes to Ashes**


	2. Ashes to Ashes

**Ash and Evie in Fifteen Minutes**

_For those who don't feel like surfing through the entire series_

(with love to the incomparably funny Cliolinda Jones, who came up with the "Movies in 15 Mintues" concept)

**Ashes to Ashes**

EVIE: Fucking kid. Go away.

DEREK: *is persistent*

EVIE: *is alcoholic*

DEREK: *is persistent*

EVIE: *unleashes grumpy hyena temper*

DEREK: *is unfazed*

EVIE: Fine! Enough already! I am so telling your parents what you're up to.

DEREK'S FAMILY: *is furious but surprisingly insistent about the summoning happening in Colorado*

EVIE: Ugh. First, I need a summoning name. Time for a cameo!

RACHEL MORGAN: And who the hell are you?

EVIE: Dr. Evie, OC extraordinaire. Want to be in my fanfic?

RACHEL: No.

EVIE: Please?

RACHEL: No.

EVIE: Will you ask Al if he wants to?

RACHEL: Hell, no!

TWITCHY : *whispers to Rachel* Do it or you'll star in my next fanfic, "Rachel tames Algaliarept, turns everyone in the Ever After good with the power of her Twu Luv, and has dozens of adorable demon babies."

RACHEL: AUUUUUGH! Fine, I'll do it.

EVIE: Thanks.

RACHEL: Al, you want to be in a fanfic?

ALGALIAREPT: Will there be sexing?

TWITCHY: ...maybe?

ALGALIAREPT: With an OC? Ew. Forget it.

TWITCHY: *whispers* You might get a shot with Rachel somewhere down the line...

ALGALIAREPT: Sign me up! What can I do for ya?

EVIE: Can I summon you?

AL: Will it piss off Ash?

EVIE: Probably.

AL: Sure.

**Colorado: **

BLAISE: Even though you killed my childhood sweetheart and left me to be a single mom, I hold no grudge.

KEVIN: Even though our football team lost the playoffs because you killed our star quarterback, I hold no grudge.

MARY and DEREK: Even though we never knew our beloved father and grandfather because of you, we hold no grudge.

EVIE: I'm sure that coming back to the place where their relative was kidnapped and summoning a demon again is therapeutic. Somehow. To someone?

DEREK'S FAMILY: Yeah, we're all totally cool with it, no ulterior motives here.

EVIE: OK, then. Al, I summon you.

AL: This had better be worth it.

DEREK'S FAMILY: We'll swap Evie for information about Red. Can you get him back?

EVIE: Curses. This was not foreseeable at all.

AL: Sounds good to me. C'mere, sweetheart.

BLAISE and KEVIN: *break Evie's circle and shove her at Al*

EVIE: Did I mention that I have PTSD from my experience with Ash, as well as a psychotic bent for vengeance?

AL: Not worried.

EVIE: ...and that I have a suicide charm in my watch...?

AL: …a little worried?

EVIE ...and that you look just like my nemesis right now, and I'm having a flashback like woah, and I nearly roasted Ash alive when I was sixteen, and all I've done in the intervening thirty plus years was teach myself to be a ley line badass? Does the name Inigo Montoya mean anything to you?

AL: OK,_ that's_ worrisome. *lets her go*

EVIE: Damn. I didn't think that would work.

AL: This is embarrassing. I am irked. Who wants to come with me now?

EVIE: *circles Derek and his mom with herself*

CRAZY BLAISE: I keel you! *shoots at Evie, misses, hits Al instead*

AL: Oh, now it's ON. *rip snarl tear*

**The next day**

EVIE: I am so fired.

DEREK'S SURVIVING FAMILY: You think?

EVIE: So, um...I'll just be going then?

**Return to the Summoning Site to Say Goodbye**

EVIE: Sorry, guys. I tried. Well, I didn't, actually. But if I thought I had a chance in hell, I _would _have tried, honest.

ASH: Yo, whassup?

EVIE: Hey, Ash. Lookin' good.

ASH: You're looking...old and scarred. And a little stoned from those emotion-dampening amulets, I must say.

EVIE: Gee, thanks a lot.

ASH: No, really, why don't you fix your face?

EVIE: Because it makes me look badass?

ASH: Except it totally doesn't.

EVIE: It spooks the hell out of my students. And it reminds me that you're the asshole that my life revolves around, even when you're not there.

ASH: I think I'm actually flattered by that. *preens*

EVIE: You would be. So long.

ASH: What? No melodramatic speeches? No throwing yourself at my feet and begging to trade yourself for your friends?

EVIE: Would that work?

ASH: No, but I'd enjoy it a lot.

EVIE: C'mere so I can blow you up.

ASH: LOL. See you around, Yvette.

EVIE: OMG how did you learn my name?

ASH: Lucky guess.*

EVIE: Damn.

**Evie Moves On**

UNIVERSITY: You are so fired.

DEREK AND MARY'S LAWYERS: You are so sued.

COVEN OF MORAL AND ETHICAL STANDARDS: You are so sanctioned.

EVIE: Since that last summoning went so very well, maybe I should do it again? For a living? But to do that, I'd need more than one summoning name- I'm sure not summoning Al again any time soon!

MYSTERIOUS FLOWERS: Why hello there.

EVIE: This is not the least bit suspicious.

MYSTERIOUS NOTE: *contains Ash's summoning name*

EVIE: How convenient.

*really, it was just a lucky guess...how many names can "Evie" be short for?

**Next Episode: The Mark!**


	3. The Mark

**Ash and Evie in Fifteen Minutes**

_For those who don't feel like surfing through the entire series_

(with love to the incomparably funny Cliolinda Jones, who came up with the "Movies in 15 Mintues" concept)

**The Mark:**

EVIE: I'm going to skip a few years, now. Twitchy has this bizarre idea about writing original fiction using some of the ideas she originally was going to use here. Because summoning demons is_ such_ an original idea.

TWITCHY: Shut up.

EVIE: Anyway, I've been working with ASH and AL and some mysterious character named DEVI who never appears onscreen and a few other demons for years, and we're all buddies. Except for the part about how they all want to kidnap me for enslavement and humiliation anyway. DEVI nearly caught me yesterday, and ASH nearly got me this evening.

ASH: Pfft. I _let_ you catch me.

EVIE: Sure you did. So what do you want?

ASH: To see if you're a secret Mary Sue by testing your blood for telltale enzymes.

EVIE: Not happening.

ASH: I'll trade you some protection. I'll put my mark of ownership on you, so if you're captured, you'll be turned over to me.

EVIE: And that's...good?

ASH: Better the devil you know. I'll take it off anytime you want, promise.

EVIE: I fail to see the good, here.

ASH: It'll make me very happy.

EVIE: Still not seeing the good...?

ASH: Sheesh. Do I have to spell it out? Al and the others won't kidnap you if they know they'll just have to turn you over to me. No profit for them, see?

EVIE: Unless they owe you a favor.

ASH: Psh, you with the Earth Logic. Make with the agreement already, because Twitchy has an agenda, here.

EVIE: *looks at TW suspiciously*

TWITCHY: *twiddles thumbs and looks innocent*

EVIE: ...all right. No hurting or killing or snatching. *lets him out*

ASH: AHA! You didn't say, "no sexing." *bites her*

EVIE: Ew.

ASH: *makes it very un-Ew, vampire style*

EVIE: *irritated because having a demon giving you an ownership mark with teeth should be _very_ EW indeed, and it's not* Take that, you beast! *magic poke*

ASH: *pokes back*

EVIE: *biggest poke she can manage*

ASH: Girl, you did not just go there. *initiates power pull*

EVIE: This is more like it. *escalates*

ASH: Wait, you like this? *escalates further*

EVIE: OMG.

*something bizarre and soul-affecting happens, not the least of which is that Evie survives a power-pull with a demon.*

ASH: Holy shit. You want to make with the real sex now?

EVIE: Yes! I mean, no. I mean, I'm kinda afraid to.

ASH: Don't worry, it's only lethal sometimes.

EVIE: Tempting. But no.

ASH: *feels rejected, gets pissed off*

EVIE: There's a misunderstanding here, which will only be elaborated on later in the story. In the meantime, calm the fuck down. If I weren't so cautious I'd totally be jumping your bones right about now.

ASH: Oh. Now I feel stupid. As a token of how much I like to squick you out, I'll let you scar me.

EVIE: Uh...is this like the demon version of a class ring or something?

ASH: *enigmatic grin* So. Coffee?

EVIE: Sure.

ASH: Cupcakes with sensual licking?

EVIE: Um.

ASH: Innuendos?

EVIE: Knock it off.

ASH: Sex?

EVIE: COLD SHOWER! *banishes his ass*

**Next Episode: In The Ever Afterlife**


	4. In the Ever Afterlife

**Ash and Evie in Fifteen Minutes**

_For those who don't feel like surfing through the entire series_

(with love to the incomparably funny Cliolinda Jones, who came up with the "Movies in 15 Mintues" concept)

**In the Ever Afterlife**

EVIE: And now we have to skip ahead again, because TWITCHY is too lazy to write the intervening story and wants to make with the sex already.

TWITCHY: Dude. Give it away, why don't you?

EVIE: Like nobody could guess where this all was heading.

**Stuck in a Circle**

ASH: Give up!

EVIE: Not coming out.

ASH: There's three of us after you this time- no more holding off until sunrise.

EVIE: Will take my chances, thanks.

ASH: You're doomed, I tell you, doomed! (P.S. Please? Last time I tried to force your circle, it really hurt.)

EVIE: Time for suicide, then?

ASH: Whoops. Um. OK, not so very doomed. Doomed just a little bit. C'mon, am I really that bad?

EVIE: Exhibit A: Greg.

ASH: Hmm, good point.

EVIE: So take the mark off like you promised you would, and I'll just be off to my afterlife, thanks.

ASH: No.

EVIE: You are deliberately breaking a promise, thus violating one of the only laws that demons have?

ASH: Yes.

EVIE: Just being absolutely clear, here.

ASH: Why? I'm sure it won't come up later.

EVIE: Wait. Will you help me fake my death? Take me with you to the Ever After to fulfill your summoning terms, then let me go?

ASH: *clearly seeing loophole* HAHAHAHA. Sure.

EVIE: Great!

ASH: And here's a token of my goodwill.

_(EVIE puts on the silver bracelet, and OMG it blocks her powers! ASH kidnaps EVIE with flair and panache and tons of property damage)_

**In Ash's Pad**

ASH: Heehee, you shoulda seen your face!

EVIE: You asshole! That was an act?

ASH: Well, no. I mean, you're still screwed. Care to figure out why?

EVIE: ...um?

ASH: Lines are closed for traveling to the southern hemisphere. Guess where you're going. Hee!

EVIE: Swell.

ASH: So...seduction?

EVIE: Sounds good to me.

_(And there is sex)_

EVIE: I was not supposed to enjoy that so much.

ASH: Yeah, I'm a little surprised, usually chicks do nothing but scream and cry when I-

EVIE: OMG!

ASH: Demon, remember?

EVIE: *freakout*

ASH: *pissed off* Oh, sure, NOW you get upset about it.

EVIE: You're a_ demon!_

ASH: No shit. Now I'll just have to steal your soul out of spite.

DEMONEVIE: DIE!

ASH: WTF?

EVIE: What...was that?

ASH: *glee* OMG I am the luckiest demon alive. How would you like to be my student?

EVIE: No.

ASH: OK, how would you like me to fulfill the terms of our agreement utterly literally and dump you somewhere in the Outback in the buff instead?

EVIE: You wouldn't.

ASH: Snakes. Kangaroos. Drop bears.

EVIE: Oh, come on, drop bears aren't even real.

ASH: Want to risk it?

EVIE: Argh. Why me?

ASH: You can invoke demon magic.

EVIE: Get out of town!

ASH: No, really. So what do you say? Three days a week. With regular sexing?

EVIE: Damn it!

ASH: I'll even throw in an interview with your old buddies and a groovy set of robes.

EVIE: Ash, you had me at "sexing."

**First Day of School**

NEWT: What's this I hear? Is it true?

ASH: Um...what?

EVIE: Yup. I am his new-

NEWT: RAWR!

ASH: *is arrested*

EVIE: *freaks out*

AL: *villain laugh*

EVIE: You. I should've known.

AL: I told Newt that Ash broke a promise. You and me, kid, we'll stick his demon ass in jail. You'll get a new personal servant!

EVIE: That's...good?

AL: Of course, so will I. *leer*

EVIE: That's so very bad.

AL: I was referring to Ash, babe. *eyebrow waggle*

EVIE: That's...not _unexpected_, I suppose.

**The Hearing**

_(AL argues that if ASH hadn't lied, AL would have had a chance at nabbing EVIE. Or something. AL knows her secret, too.)_

AL: And so, in conclusion, I want all of Ash's stuff.

EVIE: I ain't helping you.

DALI: We can force you to testify. What does Al see in you, anyway?

AL: Even though everyone's probably figured out by now that this witch right here is a total Mary Sue, I'm going to be vague and say only that Evie is like Rachel.

OTHER DEMONS: *gasp*

NEWT: Damn it! Not fair, you getting two and I don't get any! I want one!

AL: Dude, I called dibs first.

EVIE: ...can I go home now?

ASH: I decide. She goes with Al.

EVIE: *is betrayed*

NEWT: *is pouting*

AL: *is smug*

DALI: All right, trial's in a week. Don't fuck her up too much, Al.

EVIE: Well, shit.

**Al's House**

AL: You had to go and screw everything up, didn't you? Well, you're mine for the week. And because Twitchy is too soft to write non-con, she's come up with this flimsy excuse for me not to go seriously perverted depraved demon on your ass. Don't piss me off, or I'll ignore her.

EVIE: eep.

AL: So instead you're my domestic slave.

EVIE: That's all she could come up with for the demon that drowned a witch in his own blood, and dismembered another witch one inch at a time? Isn't that kinda...tame?

AL: Twitchy has a horror of housework.

TWITCHY: *contemplating her fate in hell: a house that never gets clean, and her mom eternally about to come over to visit in an hour* _Noooooooooo!_

EVIE: Oooookay, then.

AL: You want me to be worse? I can be worse.

EVIE: Not really, no.

AL: By the way, you'll stay in Ceri's room, where there is a Relevant Door to Sexing that stays closed, got it?

EVIE: Relevant, you say? *shudder* Does this door come with a lock on my side?

AL: Bitch, please, it's not for _you_.

EVIE: Oh. So...grilled cheese for dinner, then?

AL: *headdesk*

**Rachel Comes to Visit**

AL: No talking.

EVIE: *pouts*

RACHEL: *is curious*

AL: *is flirty with Rachel*

PIERCE: *is jealous*

_(EVIE manages to communicate her predicament to RACHEL, who slips her a note that Explains It All)_

RACHEL'S NOTE: We're demons, yo.

EVIE: OMG!

AL: Oh, come on. You hadn't guessed yet?

EVIE: No!

AL: Ugly AND stupid. I'm going to flirt with you in front of Rachel, anyway. *sucks on Evie's finger*

EVIE: Hey! Ew!

AL: Wait a minute, you taste funny. *vanishes to confer with Ash*

EVIE: Dude, WTF?

RACHEL: Seriously, WTF?

_(EVIE and RACHEL have girl chat for awhile)_

EVIE: Oh, c'mon, you've never fantasized about locking lips with that hot hunk of demon?

RACHEL: I am in no way attracted to Al and will never, ever, in a million years, dream of fantasizing about him, because he is full of demon cooties. Not happening. Not even in my wildest, sexiest dreams, which do not contain Al in them. Especially not up against a wall, from behind. *fans self* Is it hot in here?

PIERCE: Not to mention her fucking boyfriend is standing _right here_, yo.

RACHEL: In conclusion: Cooties.

EVIE: Did I mention that demons are really, _really_ good at sexing?

RACHEL: So is Pierce!

PIERCE: *preens*

AL: Not as good as I am. Besides, who do you think taught him everything he knows?

RACHEL: *looks intrigued*

PIERCE: NOT TRUE!

AL: You have a birthmark on your ass in the shape of a candlestick. And I did a very good Rachel impression. Last night.

PIERCE: Wait, that was _you_?

AL: *smirk*

RACHEL: Okay, now I'm really squicked.

AL: Honey, the truth is even worse. *eyebrow waggle* Demons take voyeurism _seriously._

**Later, After Rachel Leaves**

EVIE: You want to tell me what the vanishing was all about?

AL: I went to gloat at Ash. He's pissed at you. Want to be _my_ friend?

EVIE: Huh?

AL: Why don't you come over to the Al side and be my student instead?

EVIE: ...and why would I want to do that?

AL: I'll be _mad_ if you don't. By the way, Newt wants Ash as her familiar. So you don't get your personal genie after all.

EVIE: I thought I was to be tossed to Newt as a distraction from Rachel?

AL: Still a tempting possibility. But she won't get you otherwise, because you've got my mark on you.

EVIE: Explain this mark business?

AL: It's ownership, what's to explain?

EVIE: OMG!

AL: You're only allowed one major revelation per day, love.

EVIE: Sorry.

AL: So what were the details of your deal with Ash, anyway?

EVIE: Three days a week, with sexing.

AL: Hmm, I think I could manage that. You're tolerable for an OC, I guess. Seduction?

EVIE: Ew, no!

AL: *deploys demon mojo*

DEMONEVIE: Hot damn! *snogs*

PIERCE: Oh, geez. Get a room.

EVIE: *snaps out of it before clothes come off* WTF, Al?

AL: *smirk*

EVIE: I am so out of here.

AL: Sure I can't talk you into more sexing?

EVIE: Sure- if you take off the silver first.

AL: No.

DEMONEVIE: Then I shall grab your jewels and taunt your masculinity!

AL: ...you did _not _just go there.

**After the Smackdown**

EVIE: Ow.

PIERCE: That? Was dumb.

EVIE: No shit.

**Before the Trial**

EVIE: Al, I want my face back.

AL: I give you back your youth and free cosmetic surgery, and you're complaining? What the hell is wrong with you?

EVIE: Grrr. *pouts*

**The Trial**

AL: And so, in conclusion, I want all of Ash's stuff.

DALI: If the witch says he broke a deal, then sure.

EVIE: I ain't talking.

_(AL administers the Curse of Lowered Inhibitions. EVIE sings like a lark.)_

EVIE: *giggle* ...and then Ash totally broke his promise. And then he kidnapped me and made with the sexing, and then he gave me to Al, and hat reminds me, there was this one time? Where he could have caught me? But I totally psyched him out until he let me go! Rachel thinks Al has cooties. And Al's a big green weenie. He totally squeaks like a girl when you grab him by the balls.

AL: *removes curse quickly*

DEMONS: *guffaw*

DALI: All right, what should we do with Ash's guilty ass?

NEWT: Mine!

EVIE: Mine!

DEMONS: Say what?

NEWT: Say what?

AL:_ Oh, shit. _*facepalm*_  
_

EVIE: He has my mark! _ I_ want his stuff! Did I mention I'm a demon, too?

DALI: No way. Prove it.

EVIE: Al, show me how to prove it and I'll give you some of Ash's stuff.

Al: *grumble grumph* All right.

EVIE: *activates her mark*

ASH: OW!

EVIE: See?

NEWT: I find this insanely amusing and ironic all at once. You want him, he's yours. Have a party.

EVIE: Newt finding this funny can only be a good sign.

**Back at Ash's Place**

EVIE: Now I own both you and your stuff. Schadenfreude pie, anyone?

ASH: Shut up.

EVIE: So, I'll give it all back if you let me go home.

ASH: No.

EVIE: WTF?

ASH: My bizarrely possessive nature will not allow me to let you go.

EVIE: *grimace* I really shouldn't find that sexy at all.

ASH: Besides, now you've gone and blabbed to everyone that you're the only sane demon woman around. You really think we're going to let you live happily OUT of the Ever After while we're stuck here?

EVIE: Shit.

ASH: Not to mention, in demon terms, you totally told everyone we're an item.

EVIE: Shit!

ASH: Not to mention, when word gets out that witches are stunted demon kids, there'll be genocide. And elves will try to kill you, too. So will the Coven.

EVIE: *headdesk*

ASH: Hee hee.

EVIE: I really wonder why I am even attracted to you at all, given how thoroughly you've screwed me over.

ASH: Speaking of screwing...sex?

EVIE: Oh, why the hell not?

**Days Pass**

EVIE: Make yourself useful, Ash. Hunt down my friends and see if you can set them free.

ASH: You're joking, right?

EVIE: Um, no.

ASH: This unhealthy obsession you have with rescuing familiars stolen over thirty years ago is going to get you into trouble. Case in point: either you give me your soul, or I'll find them and kill them.

EVIE: The hell...?

ASH: I'm tired of being Mr. Nice Guy.

EVIE: You haven't been Mr. Nice Guy, you've been a total pain in the ass since I got here.

ASH: Even so.

EVIE: No!

ASH: You asked for it. *vanishes*

EVIE: *rages impotently*

NEWT: Hi there. Have I got a deal for you!

EVIE: ...Yes?

NEWT: Yup! Trade you the souls of your friends for your boy toy. Also, you come with me as my student.

EVIE: No.

NEWT: I'll destroy their souls, otherwise. MWA-HA-HA-HA!

EVIE: This sounds familiar. *is suspicious* However, since I can't let you see my obvious distress, I will fake indifference. It's actually easier right now since Ash put the idea in my head. Almost as if he had planned it that way...

NEWT: Damn it. I really thought that would work. *vanishes*

EVIE: I am really getting tired of living here.

**Later That Night**

ASH: Honey, I'm home!

DEMONEVIE: *takes out frustrations on Ash*

ASH: *escalates*

DEMONEVIE: I keel you!

ASH: I keel you!

DEMONEVIE: No, really, I tap a dozen lines and really, really keel you!

ASH: Oh, shit. Stop that.

DEMONEVIE: Scared? HAHAHAHA!

ASH: Yes, actually. Have you noticed you're coming apart at the seams?

DEMONEVIE: ...shit, you're right. Um...a little help here?

ASH: Crap, now I have to save you to prevent your untrained ass from blowing everyone up. Irony, anyone?

**The Next Morning**

_(EVIE is bedridden with a messed-up aura for the duration, and the Ever After is pissed to high heaven because EVIE messed up a bunch of the lines with her shenanigans. NEWT and DALI want to take over her training.)_

NEWT: ...and in conclusion, she's coming with me, Ash, because you are a dumb ass.

ASH: Too late. We're already bound mentally. So there.

EVIE: We're what, now?

ASH: *in Evie's head* _heeheehee!_

EVIE: _Just peachy._

ASH: _Now I can sex you from the inside!_

EVIE: _For Pete's sake, not in front of the crazy!_

DALI: Stop that.

NEWT: Arrgh.

EVIE: Look, if you and Dali are so intent on teaching me, you can be my thesis committee.

DALI: That's...silly enough that it might actually work.

MALEPHAR: What about all the poor stranded demons who have to deal with the lines she fucked up?

DALI: Community service. Evie can make curses for them.

EVIE: Joy.

MALEPHAR: She can't train in our neighborhood, she might try to blow us up again.

EVIE: I know! I'll train in reality! Surely nothing can go wrong there.

**In Reality**

_(It goes wrong)_

EVIE: Ash, you mean to tell me that all this time, I've been secretly in love with you because you put the demon mojo on me as a teen?

ASH: Yup.

EVIE: With _venom_.

ASH: Yup.

EVIE: Which triggered a compulsion in me to seek you out.

ASH: Pretty much.

EVIE: And because I'm actually a demon, not a witch, I could resist it?

ASH: Yup.

EVIE: So all this tentative relationship-building we've done has all been based on a big fat lie?

ASH: Well...

EVIE: That is really, really embarrassing.

ASH: For both of us. I just fixed it.

EVIE: Wait, I'm confused. If I could resist it, maybe it didn't take properly? Then who's to say that the tentative relationship-building isn't real, too?

ASH: Pfft. Earth Logic again. And now, no more Mr. Nice Guy. I'll prove I'm a big meanie by biting you.

EVIE: For the last time, I _know_ you're not Mr. Nice—OW! We need to discuss this! *faints*

**In the Hospital**

EVIE: How the hell did I get here?

ORDERLY: Some witches circled the demon who was attacking you and banished it.

EVIE: Oh, shit.

THE I.S.: And by the way, we know who you are.

EVIE: Swell.

THE COVEN OF MORAL AND ETHICAL STANDARDS: And by the way, we shunned your black witch ass.

EVIE: Oh, goody.

SHANE THE ELF NURSE: And by the way, I'm going kill you.

EVIE: Now that is just too much.

DEMONEVIE: RARRR! *kicks elven butt*

COVEN MEMBER ADRIAN: Hey, wait, we don't want her_ dead! _

EVIE: Adrian, help me escape and I'll owe you a favor. I'm sure there's no way this could backfire at all.

ADRIAN: OK. *helps, reluctantly*

EVIE: *calls Ash, is summoned back to Ever After*

**Back in the Ever After**

AL: I bet Ash that you could escape without my help.

EVIE: Ash!

ASH: *wince*

AL: Better yet, I want to convince Evie to be my student after all, in exchange for her help with Rachel down the line.

ASH: No way Evie will agree to that.

EVIE: Ok.

AL: Hee.

ASH: Fuck. *pouts*

EVIE: Aw, Ash, don't pout- If you try to teach me, I'll just get angry and try to kick your ass again, because I like you too much.

ASH: The key word there is "try."

EVIE: Hey, I've succeeded twice now. But that's not the point. I already made the deal. But to prove my loyalty to you, I'll let you scar my face again.

ASH: *incredulous look* Bwah?

EVIE: Unless you don't want to. Maybe I was misreading this whole demon-scar-venom thing?

ASH: *pounce*

EVIE: I guess not.

_(Serious demon sex happens, involving clawing and biting and blood and somehow it isn't squicky at all, at least according to reviewers who must share Twitchy's slightly screwy fetish. Hee.)_

RACHEL: I feel a disturbance in the force.

AL: Yes, as if dozens of fans suddenly shouted, "RAL! RAL!"

RACHEL: What do you suppose that means?

AL: I could show you, but you forbade me to when we made our deal back in ODW.

RACHEL: Shut up and kiss me already.

AL: Mmmph!

RACHEL: Wait. What the hell am I doing? I'm dating Pierce and I'm kissing a demon!

AL: ...so?

RACHEL: *stamps foot* This is distressing, damn it!

AL: Oh, fine. Be that way. I give you an hour before you follow me. *poofs*

(RACHEL comes clean to Pierce, is rejected, hides in Ceri's room. She encounters the Relevant Door To Sexing and mistakes it for a common bathroom door. She barges into Al's inner sanctum in nothing but a towel.)

AL: Told you so.

_(And there is finally RAL.)_

**The Next Day In The Demon Mall  
**

RACHEL: And then I jumped him again. _Why_?

EVIE: Yeah, I don't get it either.

RACHEL: It's like there is some strange, outside force controlling our actions and making us do the most insane things!

EVIE: I call mine Therese.

RACHEL: To be honest, I think it might be called "Twitchy."

EVIE: At least it can't get any weirder than this.

AL and ASH: *high five* At least they don't suspect it gets even weirder than this!

DEVI: Hey! Twitchy, I was promised a plot line! Where's my dang plotline?

TWITCHY: I'm working on it, I'm working on it!


	5. In the Ever Afterlife, part 2

**Ash and Evie in Fifteen Minutes  
**_For those who don't feel like surfing through the entire series  
_(with love to the incomparably funny Cleolinda Jones, who came up with the "Movies in 15 Minutes" concept)

**In The Ever Afterlife, part two (chapters sixty-something to the end)**

**In The Demon Mall**

SPARKLY PRINCESS DEVI: Dammit, Twitchy! I _finally_ get my cameo and you make me a little girl?

TWITCHY: *backing away* Uuuuuh…it was funny?

SPARKLY PRINCESS DEVI: *muttermutter*

EVIE and RACHEL: Yeah, it squicks us out too…you were saying?

SPARKLY PRINCESS DEVI: Ash caught my human. I want him back. *pout*

EVIE: Take it up with him.

SPARKLY PRINCESS DEVI: Pshh. He's way more interested in sexing it up with you in the lines to return my calls. Did I mention we can all watch when you do that?

_(As RACHEL and EVIE make vows of celibacy, ASH and AL show up, followed by DALI)_

AL: WOMAN! Where's my familiar? Where's Pierce?

ASH: WOMAN! Where's my human? Where's Nick?

DALI: TRACKERS! Where's our resident psycho-bitch-queen? Newt's run off.

SPARKLY PRINCESS DEVI: You lost all of them in one night? We're demons, yo. This is fucking embarrassing.

DALI: Shut up and go fetch!

_(The demons make the mistake of leaving RACHEL and EVIE alone together, fuming over really atrocious coffee in the demon mall.)_

RACHEL: C'mon. Let's blow this joint.

DEMONS ALL AROUND: *perk up*

RACHEL:_ In your dreams_, boys!

_(RACHEL and EVIE escape through a ley line, ending up just outside…)_

**Top Secret Vault of Scary Murdering Drug Lord Elf-In-Disguise**

EVIE: *reading script* You brought me _where?!_

RACHEL: Don't worry, he's only a scary murdering drug lord elf-in-disguise who hunts down his prey on horseback with a pack of ravenous dogs on _new moon_ nights.

QUEN and TRENT: Ataaaaaack!

RACHEL: Shit, is it a new moon night?

TRENT: No, we just had a terrorist attack and _she did it_.

EVIE: Couldn't have been me. Last night I was too busy….uh….washing my hair.

RACHEL: Couldn't have been Evie, because I was in the Ever After too, and I know for a fact that she was…uh…

EVIE: _Washing_. My _hair._

CERI: Oh, that demon sexing-in-the-lines thing last night was _you?_

EVIE: *headdesk*

**In the Lounge of Armchair Detecting**

_(They retire to the study and discuss possible culprits for the terrorist attack that killed eleven elven scientists)_

EVIE: I'm thinking it was Pierce. Because he was really, really mad about…umm…

RACHEL: Absolutely nothing.

EVIE: Right. I was the only one getting freaky with the shampoo last night. Her hair is unclean.

RACHEL: Positively filthy!

QUEN: Uhh…OK…how about Newt? Maybe she was upset about the, uh, demonic salon treatments apparently going on last night?

TRENT: Went looking for a cut & blow dry herself, maybe?

EVERYONE: *shudder*

CERI: Thank you for that delightful mental image. Newt…does not respond well to spa treatments, and would never leave the Ever After. How about Nick?

RACHEL: Totally my top candidate.

TRENT: If he were going to blow up a lab, he'd make it look like an accident and be faking his own death.

RACHEL: Good point.

TRENT: *eyes RACHEL* Which gives me an idea…

CERI: Well, that about covers all the major characters. Surely this fanfic farce is winding down, not gearing up for a sequel, so it must be one of those three.

TWITCHY: *evil cackle*

EVIE: Oh, hell. Twitchy's rubbing her hands and muttering something about the formula of a romance novel.(*) And I hear _Evanescence _playing in the background…this can't be a good sign.

_(Unexpectedly, ADRIAN of the Coven uses a curse to contact EVIE, and arrange to summon her at sunset for grilling by the Coven. Then EVIE asks DALI whether NEWT would possibly have reacted badly to demonic…uh…hair-washing. DALI gives her a curse to try to locate her)._

CERI: Hold it! Not in front of the kid. Any further washing of hair will be done OUTSIDE.

**In the Kalamack Gardens**

EVIE: Here we go! *invokes curse*

_(Things don't work quite as planned, but she does locate NEWT. NEWT appears with a MYSTERIOUS YOUNG GIRL)_

NEWT: Look what I found! It was all in pieces in the lines, and I put it back together again. Mostly. Still a few bits missing. Can I keep it?

EVIE: She's a demon, too?

RACHEL: Why is she covered in suspicious-looking rubble?

EVIE: Surely it has nothing to do with a recently blown-up building…?

NEWT: I think it's a Mary Sue. Should I kill it?

RACHEL: Of course not!

NEWT: Well, I found it, and I'm keeping it.

EVIE: Um, Finders Keepers doesn't really apply to _people,_ Newt.

NEWT: Well, hell, you're right. Especially since she already has a label. _(NEWT points to demon mark on MYSTERIOUS YOUNG GIRL'S ARM.)_ She belongs to Zaebos.

RACHEL: Not yet she doesn't! We need to help her!

NEWT: Why?

RACHEL: Because we're the good guys!

NEWT: You're both well on your way to shacking up with demons. What on earth makes you think _that?_

EVIE and RACHEL: …

NEWT: Look, the only way to save her is to give her to me.

_(After a long argument, EVIE and RACHEL still think the MYSTERIOUS YOUNG GIRL should get a choice over which crazy to live with. They all give her a demon mark, and strike a bargain with Newt. The bargain is not without its catch:)_

NEWT: So she picks Zee, and I give her mark to you.

RACHEL: *gulp* Uh huh.

NEWT: And she picks death, and I give her mark to you.

EVIE: *gulp* That's right.

NEWT: And she picks me, you both side with me against Zee in court.

RACHEL and EVIE: *nod, wondering how they get themselves into situations like this*

NEWT: I don't see how this could possibly backfire on any of us. Let's wake her up.

_(The MYSTERIOUS YOUNG GIRL'S name is HOPE. Because her soul was scrambled like an egg, and NEWT didn't get it all, she's a little…confused.)_

HOPE: Who are you all and why am I covered in mysterious rubble?

EVIE: I'm Evie.

RACHEL: I'm Rachel.

NEWT: ….who are you all and why am I in this fanfic?

TWITCHY: *headdesk*

HOPE: Interesting. You appear to be suffering from the same kind of memory deficit that apparently plagues me.

NEWT: You're so cute I could take you home and eat you up.

EVIE and RACHEL: AAAAAAA!

NEWT: Figure of speech.

EVIE: Do you want the long version or the short version, kid?

HOPE: The short one.

RACHEL: There's been a terrible accident, and everyone thinks you're dead, and….hey, kid, are you even listening?

HOPE: Who are you all and why am I covered in mysterious rubble?

_(RACHEL takes HOPE for a walk. NEWT and EVIE have a chat.)_

EVIE: You sure you know what you're getting into?

NEWT: Two amnesiacs living together? It's perfect! We each have half a memory, so together, we have...uh…

EVIE: You have two amnesiacs living together.

NEWT: Really? Whose hare-brained idea is that?

EVIE: *facepalm* Hey! Did you just steal a memory from me while I was distracted?

NEWT: *innocent whistling face*

INNOCENT WHISTLING FACE: _looks like this:_ **{3^***

EVIE: No, really, I could have sworn you were just in my head.

NEWT: OK, You caught me. Have a Bottle of Red on the house. Now with 50% more soul and a delightfully smutty aftertaste!

_(EVIE has just acquired one of four soul-containing bottles she needs to win the game! But the princess is in another castle. And HOPE is returning with RACHEL.)_

HOPE: Who are you and why am I covered in mysterious rubble?

RACHEL: _Please save me._

NEWT: Sure. C'mon, kid. *poofs*

**Back in Trent's Batcave**

TRENT: You let her get away? Ellasbeth is going to _freak_!

RACHEL: Ooh, I get to mess with her again? She's fun.

EVIE: Do tell…?

RACHEL: I've met her a couple times. First time I was washing my hair in Trent's place. Last time I left her stranded at the altar after dancing with Al.

EVIE: You've had an eventful love life, haven't you?

RACHEL: That…came out wrong.

EVIE: So is Trent good at washing hair?

RACHEL: Shut up.

TRENT: You've never washed hair until you've tried wild elven shampoo.

EVIE: I dunno, demons can whip up some pretty wicked suds, too.

CERI: **{3^***

RACHEL: I hate you all. Let us never mention clean hair again.

CERI: Anyway, get Hope back, or Ellasbeth will sic her magic elven hounds on you. Have a nice day!

EVIE: So...who's Ellasbeth, again?

RACHEL: Wow, Twitchy's really scraping the bottom of the barrel for characters now, isn't she?

**Back in the Ever After**

EVIE: Ash! Look what I won! *holds up Bottle of Red*

ASH: Nice. Who'd you have to blow to get that?

EVIE: Uh…Newt?

ASH: _Damn_. *suspiciously impressed*

EVIE: So can we go save Red now?

ASH: No.

EVIE: Which reminds me, stop with this whole catching people and selling them into slavery thing, it skeeves me out.

ASH: No. Sex?

EVIE: Why do I even bother trying to talk to you?

_(hot and heavy demon sex ensues, and for shits and giggles, ASH reveals his ancestral form in the middle of their encounter)_

EVIE: _#$^ $^&* !_

ASH: hee!

_(-and she likes it)_

EVIE: Tell anyone about this and I'll never wash my hair with you again.

ASH: ….what?

**Meeting with the Coven**

VIVIAN: We've arranged a neutral meeting place for you to discuss this issue with Ellasbeth. Don't kill her or enslave her.

EVIE: We wouldn't do that, would we, Ash?

ASH: **{3^***

EVIE: You're not helping.

ASH: *proceeds to fellate bananas*

EVIE: I swear to God I'm going to make you wait back in the ley line.

_(ELLASBETH'S parents made a deal with ZAEBOS that has something to do with both HOPE and ELLASBETH'S pregnancy. ELLASBETH is ignorant of most of the details, and her parents were in the blown-up building. But she does know one very important detail about the deal:)_

ELLASBETH: So you have to bring back Hope, or Zaebos will steal my baby!

EVIE: is he the father…?

ELLASBETH: *death glare*

EVIE: So let me get this straight. You promised Zee a demon girl in exchange for a healthy elven DNA sample so you can have a healthy elven girl?

ELLASBETH: I didn't. My parents did. I didn't know the details, so that puts me morally in the clear.

EVIE: Uh huh.

ELLASBETH: And we got the elven DNA sample we needed from Trent. So go tell Zee I want a refund on this deal.

EVIE: Did your parents get a receipt?

ELLASBETH: I wouldn't know, now that they are dead from squish, thanks to Hope. So, to reiterate: you have to bring back Hope, or Zee will steal my baby, and I'll blame YOU.

EVIE: Yeah, that sounds about like my luck. Hey Viv, is there any chance I could get unshunned if I rescue a baby?

VIVIAN: No.

ASH: Tough crowd.

EVIE: Seriously? What do I have to do, save the world?

ADRIAN: It's not you, it's the whole you being a demon's familiar thing.

VIVIAN: No, it _is_ you.

EVIE: *sigh* We'll be going now.

ADRIAN: I still like you, if that helps…

ELLASBETH: _We_ don't. That's why we sent that homicidal nurse after you. Nothing personal. Have a nice day!

EVIE: Elves are fucking insane.

**ASH and EVIE visit ZAEBOS**

_(ZAEBOS leads them into a trap! Rocks fall and everyone dies! ASH and EVIE barely escape with their lives.)_

EVIE: I can't believe you finagled another demon mark out of me to save our lives. And what the hell are those?

ASH: Soul globes. Zee, uh, really likes kids.

EVIE: OK, so there's someone here who's worse than you. Good to know.

ASH: *preen*

EVIE: Holy crow, what's up with Zee?

_(ZAEBOS is currently looking rather dessicated from a curse-gone-wrong)_

ZOMBIE ZAEBOS: _braaaaaiiiiins…_

EVIE: Does he really…eat…?

ASH: Only elves. Snap out of it, Uncle Zee, you're embarrassing me!

EVIE: You have a zombie in your family who collects infant elven souls? PLEASE tell me he's the black sheep.

ZAEBOS: No, we ate all the black sheep in the family years ago.

EVIE: …I want to go home now.

ASH: So what's the deal with Hope? And the death trap? You'll be humming _I Dream of Jeanie_ as soon as Newt hears about this.

ZAEBOS: What? I like my privacy. And it's not like Newt wasn't _in on it all along._

EVIE: ZOMG!

ASH: I see. That's why she marked the girl and plans to challenge you in court? This is our resident batshit-crazy amnesic queen we're talking about here. You sure she even remembers your nefarious plan?

ZAEBOS: *blinkblink* Say what now? Damnit! *poofs*

EVIE: OK, I'm confused now.

ASH: Welcome to life in the Ever After. We're all enigmas wrapped around mysteries, stirred up with ego and betrayal, stewed in shunned solitude, marinated in burnt amber stank, and fermented for 6000 years or so in a really mind-warping alternate reality.

EVIE: Demon society. Like a really gross old century egg.

ASH: Um…I was actually trying for a fine cheese analogy, there. Let's go home.

EVIE: Shouldn't we hike on over to Newt place?

ASH: One does not simply walk into Newt's place. To the Batphones!

**Chez NEWT**

_(HOPE is hanging out with NEWT's new familiar, NEBIROS the VERY UNLUCKY, while NEWT and ZAEBOS discuss their differences over coffee and fireballs of mass destruction in the next room over.)_

HOPE: *looks concerned as wall begins to flake* Do you think we should stop them?

ASH: I think we should sell tickets.

EVIE: How are you doing, Hope?

HOPE: I'm a bit concerned about how I'm going to finish out my semester…? But Newt's being awful nice to me.

EVIE and ASH: *share suspicious glances*

HOPE: Having my own personal servant is nice, though, even if he can't mix a drink to save his life.

_(NEBIROS looks a lot like FABIO. Most of the Ever After is still stuck in the eighties.)_

FABIOS: It's not a drink, it's a potion for your memory, love.

HOPE: It tastes like ass and dead clams. Keep fanning!

FABIOS: *grumblegrumble*

HOPE: So mind telling me what this is all about?

EVIE: It's kinda simple. Zaebos is your biological father. He wants to chuck your soul out of your body and inhabit it himself so he can escape the Ever After.

ZAEBOS: *appears* Why, I never! Of all the absurd things to say! If anyone's looking to do creepy things to you, it's Newt over there. And anyway, why would you trust the word of someone you don't know over the word of your dear dotty old uncle who gave you a pony when you were little?

HOPE: He's got a point.

EVIE: But was it _really a pony_?

HOPE: Come to think of it, Misty did have some rather unusual dietary requirements…but that's not the point! Uncle Zee and Auntie Newt have both been awfully nice to me. Whereas _you_ are telling me _all kinds_ of distressing things.

EVIE: Like the fact that your parents probably knew all about this deal to trade you to a demon?

HOPE: Case in point. Also, I hate you.

EVIE: Yeah, I get that a lot. So here's your options, kid. You can tell me and Rachel and Newt to go take a hike and go live with Zaebos, or you can trust that we're trying to help you and stay with Newt. Pick which crazy you want to live with.

HOPE: So it's the blue pill or the red pill? Which one lets me forget all this shit ever happened, again?

NEWT: Well, I can always kill you. You won't remember anything after that.

HOPE: Clearly you're the voice of reason, here. I'll stick with you.

ZAEBOS: *dons villain hat and mustache* It's not over! *poofs*

HOPE: It's not over?

EVIE: Well, no. There's still the whole fighting over you in court thing. Plus I have to find out the fine print of the deal between the elves and Zee, before Ellasbeth gives birth to her baby. Otherwise bad things happen to me.

HOPE: So it's all about saving your own ass? That, I can understand.

EVIE: Actually, it's kind of therapeutic. I mean, bad things happen to me no matter what I do. This is about rectifying my old sin. I've devoted my life to helping teenagers. If I can save one…just one… *eyes go misty*

ASH: Oh, jeez. *eyeroll* We have to go. The lambs are screaming again.

_(Time passes. Evie is stuck waiting for information.)_

ADRIAN: Nothing new to report.

ELLASBETH: Still preggers.

ZAEBOS: Still plotting!

NEWT and HOPE: Bonding!

RACHEL: Avoiding Al like the plague and ducking pointed questions from Ivy and Jenks.

AL: **{3^***

ASH: Still mischievous and sexing Evie up at every opportunity.

EVIE: So have we finally settled into some kind of stable relationship?

ASH: Let's sum up, shall we? A few years back, we did the demon equivalent of tattooing each others' names over our hearts. Then a few weeks back, we became mutual familiars. Then about two days ago we did the demon sexing thing, which initiates the process of forming a mate bond between us. Except to save your life, I had to reset that back to zero. So now we're still familiars, and I have a real mark of debt over you. So that means I'm winning.

EVIE: *headdesk* It's not a contest, you ass! Besides, I still own you and all your stuff. The demon court said so.

_(Suddenly, a surprise attack out of the blue!)_

KU'SOX: I keel you!

ASH: Help!

DEMONEVIE: Hands off my man, ROWWRR! *wields Poker of Great Justice*

KU'SOX: You hit me over the head with a poker? Lame! Also, OW!

ASH: *decisive smackdown*

KU'SOX: *poofs*

MYSTERIOUS HUMAN: I kidnap you!

EVIE: wait, what?

_(The MYSTERIOUS HUMAN grabs EVIE and poofs with her! They reappear in...)_

**Spooky Church Somewhere In St. Louis**

EVIE: Aren't you the human who escaped Ash?

NICK: I saved you! You should be grateful.

EVIE: Except for the part where Ku'Sox is going to eat me when he shows up. I'm outa here!

NICK: I handcuff you!

EVIE: I'll zap the sap out of you!

NICK: I zip-strip you!

EVIE: Oh, yeah? I summon Rachel!

NICK: Oh, shit.

RACHEL: OMG. NICK? _You_ summoned Ku'Sox?

TWITCHY'S READERS: Wait, what? So confused now.

TWITCHY: Yeah! Alternate universe! I'll review all the little similarities and differences in the plotlines at the end.

TWITCHY'S READERS: We don't actually care all _that_ much.

TWITCHY: _See the end!_

TWITCHY'S READERS: You were saying? Rachel and Nick?

NICK: Rachel, honey, let me explain. I did it all for you!

RACHEL: This ought to be good.

NICK: See, we made a deal. I free him, he kills off all the familiar-hunting demons. All my demon marks go away! And you're free of Al! And the world is safe from demonic menace forever!

RACHEL: You missed the part where Ku'Sox then takes over the world and eats everyone.

NICK: OK, still working on that part.

IVY: Hi, I'm making a cameo, just because.

EVIE: I find you strangely attractive.

JENKS: Cameo! Hey, I remember you, Evie. You're a total wuss.

EVIE: I find you strangely insulting.

JENKS: Say, you don't know what went down that night in the Ever After, do you?

IVY: When Rachel went off to talk to Al, spent the night, and came back all freshly showered?

RACHEL: HAVEN'T WE TAKEN THIS METAPHOR FAR ENOUGH? Stop with the questions about sexing it up with Al!

IVY: Um...I wasn't being metaphorical?

JENKS: Yeah, you usually just come back reeking like burnt amber.

IVY: ...and often sooty and smoking gently from a curse gone wrong.

JENKS: So what's this about sex with Al?

RACHEL: HEY! Can we get back to the smiting and righteous indignation and kicking ass?

JENKS, to IVY: Protesting waaaaay too much.

IVY: *nods sagely* Knew it.

EVIE: Leaving now. By the front door. Bye!

KU'SOX: Special delivery! I've got your order of Deep Hurting, with sides of Creepy Banter and Soul Eating.

NICK: Oh, and Unexpected Betrayal for dessert! *curses Rachel to be stuck in the Ever After.*

RACHEL: Not _unexpected_, crap-for-brains. _Curse yoooouuuu-!_ *poofs*

KU'SOX: With a Double-Crossing cherry on top! *eats Nick*

NICK: Should have foreseen _thiiiiisss-!_ *dies*

EVIE: Now would be a great time to get summoned out, Ash. Ash...?

KU'SOX: Mmmm, another snack!

EVIE: Damnit, Ash! Get me out of here!

_(EVIE does get summoned out of there…but it's totally not by ASH!)_

**Al's Place**

EVIE: Wait, _you_ summoned me? Thanks.

RACHEL: Ivy and Jenks?

EVIE: They got away. Bad news about your ex, though. Hey…is there some reason Ash isn't answering my summons?

AL: Well, there's always the possibility that he's about to die a horrible, horrible soul-death from which even demon immortality cannot save him, as soon as the sun rises. Do you care?

_(ASH: Is it the End of the Dream?)_

EVIE: Actually, yes.

AL: Enough to star in a really dreadful sequel inspired by bad angsty music? I mean, we can end this whole crazy saga right here, you know.

_(ASH: Bring me to Life!)_

EVIE: Except I've got responsibilities and stuff. The whole Hope thing?

AL: Enough to let me possess your body?

EVIE: Welll...I guess...If I must...*starts unbuttoning shirt*

AL: Not in a sexy way!

_(ASH: I'm Going Under!)_

EVIE: ….ew. But OK.

AL: Did I mention I'm a real bastard?

_(AL rescues ASH in EVIE's body, but gives ASH the impression that EVIE has betrayed him.)_

**On the Surface of the Ever After**

AL/EVIE: I'm leaving you for AL. Have a nice life.

ASH_: …..My Heart Is Broken. _Woe.

AL/EVIE: For fuck's sake, Ash, shut the hell up. *ditches Ash on the surface*

ASH: Hey! My aura's fucked up and I have no curses! How am I supposed to get home? _ Swim_?

_(Then AL gives EVIE back her body and tells her ASH is dead.)_

**The End.**

TWITCHY'S READERS: WTF?! This doesn't even make any sense!

TWITCHY: I know, and it's kind of impossible to make the ending funny, too. It brings back too many memories of high school. *eyetwitch*

TWITCHY'S HUSBAND: Someone PLEASE take away her iPod before the lambs start screaming again...?

**Coming in the future, sometime**: _A Mile with Sorrow_ in 15 minutes!

***note: **the formula of Every Romance Ever Written, according to Frank Drebin, _Naked Gun_**: "**It's the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girls dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day. Goodyear? No, the worst."

* * *

**Plot points from _Pale Demon_ and _A Perfect Blood_- do they happen in this universe's timeline? **_I made this list to keep it clear in my head, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to post it._

**Rachel getting sanctioned by the Coven at the annual meeting in San Francisco:** didn't happen. They let her off the hook. Five+ years have passed since them.

**Rachel's road trip with Trent:** didn't happen yet, but will happen for different plot reasons.

**Trent stealing his daughter from Ellasbeth**: also didn't happen yet, but will happen for different plot reasons, and Rachel will be helping him along with Ivy and Jenks.

**Ku'Sox getting released into reality:** happens, but he's not freed by Trent. Instead, he's freed by Nick, for typical desperate rat reasons.

**Rachel getting banished to the Ever After after getting landed with the curse that was formerly on Ku'Sox:** happens, but by Nick instead of Trent.

**Nick, alive and well and figuring into future plotlines**: no longer happening! He's dead. Ku'Sox ate him.

**Rachel having dinner at Dali's and making the tulpa:** happens.

**Al pinning Rachel against a bookshelf and kissing her:** didn't happen.

**Al caring for Rachel after she makes the tulpa:** happens, although since they have slept together previously she *does* wake up in his bed. I intend to write that scene because it ends with:

**Rachel nearly frying Al with a ley line, and Newt saving him:** happens. Then, immediately afterward:

**Rachel fights Ku'Sox alone, defeats him by returning the curse and condemning him to the Ever After forever, and Trent saves her by putting her soul in a bottle, then helps her fake her death:** happens.

**Pierce joining the Coven, and ultimately betraying Rachel by revealing she protected Al**: didn't happen. Pierce never regains his seat as a Coven member.

**Pierce helping Trent by joining in the plot to fake Rachel's death, and sacrificing himself to Al to save them both**: happens. Pierce vanishes halfway through Ever Afterlife and helped Trent come up with the plan.

**Pierce now belonging to Newt as her new familiar:** Didn't happen. Al kept him following Rachel's "death." His current whereabouts have not yet been revealed.

**Ku'Sox killing off the Coven:** happens. Only Vivian, Oliver, and Adrian are left.

**Rachel successfully keeping her non-dead status from Al and the demons for months?: **doesn't happen. Al finds out within a week, thanks to Evie, but has not yet done anything about it. The rest of the demons don't know. Newt is too distracted to remember that Rachel is dead. (lol)

**HAPA:** exists, is referenced, but none of the events of _A Perfect Blood_ have yet happened and are unlikely to appear here.


End file.
